shades of the past
by Dean23
Summary: The team is on earth having a great time. But why does a simple visit to a circus bother John? Find out and gain some deeper knowledge of the John Sheppard you think you know. Warning: mentions some dark themes (kidnapping, abuse, but nothing graphic)
1. Chapter 1

**Shades of the past**

_A little glimpse into the psyche of John Sheppard_

**Chapter 1**

John Sheppard had a grin on his face as he stepped through the Stargate. He and his team would be on earth in a fraction of a second.

Home.

The last few weeks on Atlantis had been quite rough and they all needed a change of scenery. Teyla and Ronon above all were looking forward to see their friends' home-world, the planet they had heard so much about.

John didn't have an apartment on earth. He hadn't needed one, as he had lived in Antarctica before he got the chance of a lifetime and a new home in another galaxy.

Not wanting to live in a hotel, the team had no choice but to move into Rodney's apartment. It was neither very big nor very clean, but it would do for a week.

When they had all dropped their bags and chosen their sleeping-places, they decided to go out and have some fun.

But before they could go to bars and other similar fine establishments, they had to find some unobtrusive clothes for Teyla and Ronon.

Ronon wasn't very excited. " I don't see a reason why I should change my clothes. And don't even think about taking my gun." He stood in front of the others with his arms crossed in front of his chest.

Thankfully, Teyla knew how to handle him. "Come on, Ronon. We're on holiday and we want to see this world." She took his gun and he didn't resist. "Besides, I heard there are many shirts with skulls and stuff like that. Isn't that ..." She tried to remember the word Major Sheppard had used. "...cool?" Ronon didn't so much a blink, but at least he didn't protest anymore.

So two hours later Ronon and Teyla looked like people from earth. As much as that was possible. Rodney was annoyed, because Teyla had needed so long to find the right clothing - It seems that women are the same everywhere, no matter from which galaxy they are - and Sheppard just grinned like a kid. The T-Shirt they had chosen for Ronon was just too fitting. It said:" You won't like me when I'm angry". It was a quote from Hulk.

The team had a good time walking the streets and talking, but after a while it got boring. They were aimlessly walking around until Rodney came up with an idea.

"I heard there's a circus in town. I mean, I think that's kind of silly, but maybe Teyla would like it?". He looked back at Teyla, who looked interested.

Without a warning, John stopped dead in his tracks, so Ronon walked right into him. He grunted. "Sheppard, what's up?"

There was no answer.

John just shook his head. Meanwhile three pairs of eyes were fixed on him.

"Major? You alright?".

Rodney laid his hand on his shoulder, concern etched on his face. That brought John back to reality. Blinking, he looked at Rodney. He tried to smile. "Yeah...I was just...daydreaming".

The answer didn't convince Rodney or the other two, but they knew better than to push the Major. As they resumed their walk, Rodney changed the topic again. "So...what about the circus?"

Teyla's eyes brightened. " I heard about it. I think it would be very nice."

John didn't look at them. Swallowing down his panic, he put a smile on his face. "I won't go to some stupid circus, but you guys have fun."

Of course, Rodney wouldn't just give up. " Oh come on, Major. Don't be a killjoy." Teyla and Ronon each grabbed one of John's arms. Smiling, Teyla told him: " I'm sure it's going to be fun."

Too slow in looking for an excuse, John was lead to the circus. He was nervous, but he wouldn't let it show.

* * *

**author's note:**

**So, what do you think?**

**Why is John so nervous about going to the circus?**

**If you want to know, write a review and tell me**


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter 2**

The show was quite nice. The acrobats were doing amazing stunts and the magician was simply magnificent.

His teammates were exuberant, but John was quiet. When the clowns appeared in the circus ring he sank deeper into his chair.

Nobody noticed it, but when the clowns started to make their rounds in the audience and picking people to involve in the show, the soldier had turned pale and was trembling slightly.

One of the clowns stopped directly in front of Sheppard. He made a sign for John to get up, but only got a shake of the head in return.

Rodney elbowed his friend softly.

"Come on! Don't be a spoilsport!"

Sheppard didn't react. His knuckles had turned white from gripping his chair.

When the clown tried to grab his arm to gently help him up, he totally lost it. He was on his feet in a second, causing the clown to back away.

"Don't you dare touch me!"

The shout rang through the tent, then there was absolute silence. Every face in the circus had turned to look at the mad man that had shouted at a clown.

Not knowing what to do, the clown just stood a few feet away, staring at him.

John couldn't stand it any longer. Feeling like a trapped animal, he made for the exit.

His friends hadn't even reacted yet. They were absolutely stunned. What had possessed their usually laid-back friend? Confusion and concern showing on their faces and ignoring the stares of the people they went after Sheppard.

Once outside, they didn't have to search for him long. John was sitting in front of a tree, his knees pulled up to his chest and his arms folded around them. His face was buried in his knees.

When they approached him they could see how pale he looked and that he was trembling.

"Sheppard?"

* * *

**author's note:**

A short little chapter. Have fun and stay tuned for more!

Sara and JJ227 thank you for the review and your tip. Of course you're right. By the time Ronon joins the team, John is Colonel.  
It's just become a habit to write Major. To me John will always be Major, just as O'Neill will always be Colonel. I'm really sorry to have made that mistake, but I promise to do better in the future.

Thanks for the other comments, too.

Maybe this chapter will answer your questions about the clowns. Or maybe not ;)


	3. Chapter 3

**Chapter 3**

"Sheppard?"

Ronon's voice was soft, as he spoke to his spooked friend.

As there was no reaction, Teyla knelt down in front of him. "John?". Still not getting a reaction, Teyla laid her hand on his shoulder.

Teyla's heart sank as John flinched at the touch.

"John, are you ok? What's wrong?" Her voice was soft, almost a whisper.

Still, she got no answer.

Finally making up his mind what to do, Ronon knelt down on the right side of John, signaling Rodney to do the same on the other side.

Teyla tried it again. "John? What happened?".

Without a warning, John's head shot up. He looked haunted, his eyes bloodshot and glazed.

When he finally spoke, his voice sounded hoarse.

"I...I can't...I couldn't..."

By then he was shaking quite bad. Rodney laid his hand on his shoulder. He had never seen his friend like this before. Not even after the incident with Kolya.

"Was it about the clown?"

Nodding, John closed his eyes.

His teammates looked at each other confused.

How could a clown have this effect on someone as strong as Sheppard?

Rodney looked at him exasperated. "You've got to be kidding me!", but he was silenced by Teyla.

"Do you want to tell us?"

John sighed.

"I'm sorry...I couldn't...the clown..." He paused and everybody waited patiently for him to continue. When he had calmed down a little, he went on.

"When I was a kid...". His voice was barely a whisper.

"I was kidnapped." He couldn't do this.

He couldn't tell them.

Shaking his head, he jumped to his feet.

"Never mind. Let's get back to your flat." He brushed past his friends and walked away.

His friends didn't follow and when he noticed that, he stopped dead in his tracks, looking down to the ground. He was facing away from them, not wanting them to see him like this, a lone tear running down his face.

Without hesitation, Teyla walked up behind him, hugging him. She whispered in his ear. "You need to talk about it, John. It will help".

John continued staring at his boots, his eyes hidden in the shadow cast by his hair.

"I can't...I'm sorry."

Unnoticed by the two, Rodney had walked up beside them. Trying to break the awkward moment, he spoke calmly.  
"Maybe we should go home."

* * *

**author's note:**

Ideas and opinions always appreciated. Please let me know what you think. I really want to improve my style of writing, so if you have any suggestions, let me know.

Thank you for the few reviews to chapter 2. You guys really made my day!

Hope you like this chapter, too.

Stay tuned for the last chapter!


	4. Chapter 4

**Author's note:** Here it is. The last chapter. I'm sorry for keeping you waiting. I'm having quite a stressful time.

I hope you like it anyway. Some of you were requesting a longer chapter. I did my best.

Just a short warning: mention of rape and kidnapping; if you think it might trigger some bad memories or something for you,

don't read it.

Now enjoy and please leave a comment!

* * *

**Chapter 4**

Once back at Rodney's flat, John decided to take a nap to avoid the others' questions. The whole drive back was spent in silence and he wanted to keep it that way. It's not that he didn't trust his team. It's just that he didn't want them to think him weak or to know what a hard childhood he'd had.

He settled on the couch, ignoring the stares the others send him. Closing his eyes he pretended to be asleep and soon he actually was.

Rodney and Teyla sat at the kitchen table, not speaking. Every once in a while they send their teammate a concerned glare. Ronon couldn't sit still. He was pacing around the room, his stare never leaving his sleeping friend.

After a few moments of sleeping calmly, John began to mumble and thrash. He was clearly in a nightmare.

In less than a second Ronon was at his side, reaching out his hand to touch his shoulder. Rodney and Teyla exchanged worried glances and approached the couch. As they neared their friend, they could make out some of the words.

"Don't touch...let go..."

Without hesitation, Ronon began to shake him until he startled awake, breathing heavily. Sitting up slowly, he moved a shaky hand up to his eyes. Breathing deeply through his mouth, he calmed his racing heart. It had seemed so real.

When he let his hand drop, he finally realized that three pairs of eyes were fixed on him.

Nobody said anything, but there was no need anyway. The glances of his friends spoke volumes of their concern for him.

They wanted to know what troubled him. Not to make fun of him, but to help him. To be there for him and of course, to make him better.

Still...he didn't know how to tell them. He had never told anybody about that chapter of his past. Not the shrinks he was forced to visit and certainly not his ex-wife.

He sighed quietly and gave them his best "I'm ok"-smile.

But Rodney wouldn't have any of it.

"Come on Sheppard! Don't waste your breath trying to convince us you're okay. We know for certain that you're not! You're having nightmares after visiting a circus, for god's sake!"

His voice was ever rising in volume.

"You're a soldier, you have faced the Wraith, the most disgusting men-killing monsters in all of the universe! And you freak out over a man wearing make-up?"

John was shocked by his friend's outburst. He lowered his eyes to the hands in his lap.

"I'm sorry...I..."

"You don't have to apologize." Rodney cut him off, his voice much softer now. "Just don't shut us out. Tell us what's wrong, so we can help you." His eyes were pleading.

A few moments, all was silent. Nobody moved, but John's mind was very active. He struggled with himself, pondering whether to tell them. It would change how they thought about him forever. Biting his lips, he finally looked up, glancing from one of his friends to the next.

In a voice barely understandable, he started his story.

"When I was a boy..." His voice got even lower after that.

"I was kidnapped." He stopped, letting his words sink in.

Ronon tightened his grip on his friends shoulder, while Teyla nodded slowly, encouraging him to go on.

"It happened on my way home from school."

While he spoke, his eyes glazed over. He was no longer in the here and now. He was not the soldier surrounded by his friends. He was that 9 year old frightened kid again.

"One moment I was happily chatting with my friends, saying goodbye to them...the next I was grabbed from behind, a gag pushed into my mouth and a blindfold over my eyes. "

Shaking his head a little like he was trying to free himself, he went on. "I was pulled into a car and before I even realized what was going on, I was thrown into a dark room without windows. It was only seconds, before the door closed."

For a moment the memories overwhelmed him. He swallowed and closed his eyes, trying to get rid of the pictures in his head.

"I was so frightened. I barely dared to breathe. When I was sure I was alone, I loosened the gag and blindfold, but I still couldn't see. It was pitch black. For a few moments I was frozen in fear. When I finally got my bearings, I felt around myself, crawling around the room, until I felt something solid in front of me. It was the wall."

"I felt around the room, but there was no way out. I crawled into one of the corners and cried until after a few hours of darkness somebody opened the door. The only thing I could make out was this clown's face. The smile was contorted and the teeth looked sharp, like those of a wild animal."

John's voice was trembling and tears were running down his face.

"He touched me...and...he made me touch him...and then...he used me.." Ronon's grip only him tightened another notch. Teyla gasped, her hand in front of her mouth.

John let out a long breath.

"I was helpless...I mean...I was just a kid..."

Rodney couldn't believe it.

"Oh my god. I'm sorry..."

Ignoring him, John went on. "I kept seeing this clown's face...and I couldn't make it stop."

He was interrupted by Teyla hugging him. Rodney looked down guiltily.

"That's why you didn't want to go to the circus and why you reacted like you did. " His fingers were nervously moving around. He turned his back to his friends only keeping his head turned so he could still see them and made to step away. It was his fault that his friend had to relive his worst nightmare.

" I'm sorry...I shouldn't have talked you into going there. I..."

With a gesture of his hand, John silenced him and gently broke free of Teyla's embrace and Ronon's grip on his shoulder. He had felt the distress of his friend and he couldn't stand it. Ignoring his own distress, he wanted to comfort his friend.

"You couldn't have known..." He stood up shakily and walked to his distressed friend, laying a hand on his shoulder and thus guiding him to turn around again. "I've never told anyone...I just buried the memories and hoped they would never resurface...but they did...apparently..."

For a moment, nobody knew what to say, until suddenly a loud, rumbling voice could be heard.

"You know, Sheppard, it's ok to feel and it's okay to be frightened. You're only human, after all. And most importantly..." Ronon walked up to stand beside John.

"You should know by now that you can trust us. With everything. No matter how bad. We're family." He smiled honestly. "And besides...who cares if you don't like clowns...I'm afraid of them, too."

Three heads jerked up, looking at him disbelievingly.

"Really?"

Ronon chuckled.

"No, but I thought it would make you feel better." He patted John lightly on the shoulder and finally the four of them could laugh again.

None of them brought this incident up again. But John was okay now. He knew that he didn't have to deal with his demons alone anymore. There were some other dark chapters in his past that might resurface sooner or later, but when they will, he now knew he can always confide in his team.

And with their help his demons will always just stay that - shades of the past.

- The end -


End file.
